This past year I’ve been attending a 12 Step meeting for those affected by being raised in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.  I had attended meetings back in the 80’s when I got sober and experienced powerful healings and personal/spiritual growth.  I’d like to share my experience of ‘finding my inner child’ and how reclaiming her and re-parenting her has led to a life of empowerment.  
 
I am sharing my experience with you to inform you of the power of doing this healing work and what it can look like. I am in no way a spokesperson for any 12 Step organization.    
 
 Back in the day (in the early 1980s) many were becoming aware of the fact that growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family had affected them in similar ways.  I took a look at what is called the laundry list and felt both sadness and relief:  I was not alone.  Others experience these characteristics and there is a way out of this mess! 
 
You can find this list of characteristics at:  
 
https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
 
 I related to this list 100% and, though I felt a sense of hope that a solution was possible, I wasn’t quite sure what that process would look like.  The tools I discovered included attending meetings regularly, finding a counselor who understood my adult child issues, reading materials that spoke about the problem and the solution and listening to Bob E who spoke about ‘finding the child, who has so many tears to shed’.
 
While I was busy cleaning my way through college (house cleaning business, that is) I would listen to AA speaker tapes and Bob E was my speaker of choice. He was not shy about talking about his dysfunctional childhood and how that led to a life of chaos and addiction as an adult. He shared about his process of finding his inner child, that little boy within him who got wounded from lack of love and healthy parenting so many years ago, who was now crying for attention, disrupting his life in order to be heard.  Bob had a way of sharing his experience that touched my inner child.  She also felt unloved and unlovable, and I began to realize it was my job to give her the love and guidance she didn’t get all those years ago. 
 
My counselor gave me a hand-out from a book called ‘Big You – Little You’, by Grace Kirsten and Richard Robertiello, M.D.  It talked about Separation Therapy, where you learn to distinguish and separate the following perspectives or voices:

1. You, the Individual or the Observer.  You are the one separating Big You – the Adult, nurturing parent from Little You, your inner child.
2. The Adult, nurturing parent, aka Big You – who needs to take responsibility for his/her life and set healthy, nurturing boundaries for the inner child. Big provides guidance, protection, care and buckets of love to Little.
3. The Inner Child – Little You.  Let’s refer to Little as ‘they’ for simplicity. This is the emotional child within who needs to know they are loved, cared for and protected.  If they sense that no one is taking care of them, they will cry out for attention, usually in destructive ways (picture a child having a temper tantrum or isolating themselves off in a corner, trying to be invisible). They need to know that Big is there for them and that Big loves them unconditionally and will set healthy boundaries to keep Little safe. 

 
 Here’s what this work looks like. When you, the Individual, become aware of strong emotions you start a dialogue between Big and Little. This dialogue can be written out or spoken out loud, preferably when alone for obvious reasons! 
 
I had this dialogue early on in my work w/Separation Therapy. While watching TV alone in my first little apartment, a ‘reach out and touch someone’ commercial came on and I started to cry. 
 
Big:  Little, what’s wrong?
Little:  I miss my mommy…
Big:  I know you miss your mommy, but she’s 2000 miles away. But I’m here and I love you.  I’ll always be here for you.
Little:  (calming down now)  Really? You’re here for me?
Big:  Yes.  I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you in the past, but I am here for you now.  I love you and I’ll take care of you.
Little:  Ok.  That feels better.  (Little felt safe and loved.  Little calmed down and stopped crying)
 
As adult children we have much sadness, much grief that needs to be addressed.  We need to talk about it, be heard and experience the love and acceptance of others who understand because they’ve been there.  The nods of understanding from others in these meetings are part of that healing.  And the most powerful healing is when we start to love and accept that needy, wounded child within.  As that child heals they become the ‘wonder child’, as John Bradshaw called it.  That child has enriched my life in wonderful ways.
 
John Bradshaw was a pioneer in reclaiming the inner child.  His books can be found at:   https://www.johnbradshaw.com/
 
You Tube also has some of his videos, so feel free to browse. 
 
To learn more about Bob E, visit:  https://aca-arizona.org/bob-earll/
 
Doing this work has been a journey through grief that has led me to a lighter place where the pay off includes an increase in joy, self-confidence and spontaneity as well as the ability to be vulnerable and to connect with others. 
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of re-parenting the inner child:

• What strategies work well for you to heal from childhood pain and trauma?
• If you have unresolved grief from childhood, how open are you to this technique for moving through grief?
• What are you willing to do to re-parent your wounded inner child?
• What is one step you can take today to reclaim and begin to re-parent your inner child? 

 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, be kind to yourself and Shine Your Light!

I recently saw the movie ‘Wonder’ and fell in love with Auggie. The issues the movie addressed are so pertinent to our society today. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil it for you, but I do encourage you to make the time for this precious, moving story. It brought me to tears and led me to feelings of jubilation as the movie concluded. Today I want to reflect on how important kindness is in our everyday lives and the impact it has on our society.
 
Kindness by definition is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
 
Our current political climate is raising our awareness to just how important kindness is for our very survival.  We are social beings who need connection and kindness is the glue that holds everything together.    
 
What does kindness have to do with grief, you may ask?  Great question! When we do not act from kindness we cause hurt for another, as well as for ourselves.  When we are not treated with kindness, our soul, our very spirit, hurts. Our soul knows what nurtures it. Love and kindness given and received are the highest soul food. 
 
When we grieve, we are missing something good, something that has fed us, or perhaps we grieve for what we wish would have been, could have been, but was not experienced. Longing for our loved one, or aching for love and understanding from someone who is or was incapable to giving it to us are usually at the root of our sadness.  If we could somehow experience the kindness of a loving gesture - a kind word, a smile, a hug, an apology – our grief would dissipate and be replaced by love, joy and peace. 
 
After my Dad passed I experienced healing messages from my Dad via spiritual mediums.  He conveyed that he wished he had been more focused on love and not on doing ‘it’ right. He regretted that he allowed the church and other authority systems to dictate his beliefs rather than listening to his own heart.  I knew he loved me before he passed, but after death his love and acceptance of me, just as I am, furthered my own healing and self acceptance. 
 
Love and peace are at the very core of our being. The God of Love is the very spark of life within us.
 
Some may ask, ‘Where is God?  Get quiet and you will know. Like a baby in its mother's womb asking, ‘where is my Mom?’, God is right there within your heart.  Look for opportunities each and every day to show kindness, to act from the core of who you truly are, and you will continue to discover and experience your true identity as a child of God.   
 
As we each bring kindness to our world we take part in the transformation of this planet until we indeed will experience Heaven on Earth. 
 
“Reflect the peace of Heaven here, and bring this world to Heaven.”
– A Course In Miracles
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of kindness:

• How do you feel when you act from kindness vs. when you don’t?
• What powerful act of kindness have you experienced?
• How do you feel when you witness kindness vs. when you witness hatred and cruelty? 

 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, be kind and Shine Your Light!
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