Kathy Stolecki
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Silence

8/5/2018

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Last evening I attended my first ‘farm to table’ event here in Kentucky.  The food was fabulous. The company, superb. The only issue was that I’m a sensitive person, and being so, I found the noise level both irritating and draining. I’d take brief walks to refill my Arnold Palmer (lemonade and iced tea) and scout the surrounding area, which was beautiful farm land.  This event reminded me of the importance of quiet alone time. 
 
The world can keep us very busy: do ‘this’ for your family, do ‘that’ for your job, and don’t forget to do ‘that other thing’ for your friends and / or your church or community. While there’s a place for being of service and for ‘doing’, it is also important to balance that with ‘being’.  Making quality ‘me’ time a priority in your week is important to your spiritual and emotional health.  While everyone’s need for quality alone time varies, it is important to become aware of how much and what type of alone time one needs in order to stay balanced and to thrive.
 
This morning I opted to have quiet ‘me’ time, which I spent meditating and reading A Course in Miracles rather than join in with my Course study group. That time alone with Spirit recharged and invigorated me.  Now I feel ready to face the day!
 
Years ago, after I left the convent and got busy in the world, I wrote the following song, called ‘Silence’:
 
There’s a peace I find in Silence, though I’m reluctant to pass through its gate; but when I do I find myself with You, and the ecstasy was worth the wait.
 
The Love I find in Your Eyes lets me know I’m never alone. You’re here with me; that’s where I long to be. You’ve touched me and I have grown.
 
Why do I run my day away, keeping too busy to hear what You say?
When all along I know, whenever things go wrong, You’re the One I turn to
To show me the way…
 
And there’s a peace I find in Silence, though I’m reluctant to pass through its gate; but when I do I find myself with You, and the ecstasy was worth the wait.
 
The Love I find in Your Eyes lets me know I’m never alone. You’re here with me; that’s where I long to be. You’ve touched me and I have grown.
 
 
My encouragement to you:  look at your day, your week, your priorities and listen to your gut and your heart and be honest as you ask yourself: 
 
  • When and how often do I need quality ‘me’ time? 
  • What do I want my ‘me’ time to look like?
  • What do I hope to find by taking this time?
  • How comfortable am I with silence?
  • How will I feel after taking this quality ‘me’ time? 
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, make time for yourself and Shine Your Light!
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Find the Child Within

8/1/2018

2 Comments

 
This past year I’ve been attending a 12 Step meeting for those affected by being raised in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.  I had attended meetings back in the 80’s when I got sober and experienced powerful healings and personal/spiritual growth.  I’d like to share my experience of ‘finding my inner child’ and how reclaiming her and re-parenting her has led to a life of empowerment.  
 
I am sharing my experience with you to inform you of the power of doing this healing work and what it can look like. I am in no way a spokesperson for any 12 Step organization.    
 
 Back in the day (in the early 1980s) many were becoming aware of the fact that growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family had affected them in similar ways.  I took a look at what is called the laundry list and felt both sadness and relief:  I was not alone.  Others experience these characteristics and there is a way out of this mess! 
 
You can find this list of characteristics at:  
 
https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
 
 I related to this list 100% and, though I felt a sense of hope that a solution was possible, I wasn’t quite sure what that process would look like.  The tools I discovered included attending meetings regularly, finding a counselor who understood my adult child issues, reading materials that spoke about the problem and the solution and listening to Bob E who spoke about ‘finding the child, who has so many tears to shed’.
 
While I was busy cleaning my way through college (house cleaning business, that is) I would listen to AA speaker tapes and Bob E was my speaker of choice. He was not shy about talking about his dysfunctional childhood and how that led to a life of chaos and addiction as an adult. He shared about his process of finding his inner child, that little boy within him who got wounded from lack of love and healthy parenting so many years ago, who was now crying for attention, disrupting his life in order to be heard.  Bob had a way of sharing his experience that touched my inner child.  She also felt unloved and unlovable, and I began to realize it was my job to give her the love and guidance she didn’t get all those years ago. 
 
My counselor gave me a hand-out from a book called ‘Big You – Little You’, by Grace Kirsten and Richard Robertiello, M.D.  It talked about Separation Therapy, where you learn to distinguish and separate the following perspectives or voices:

  1. You, the Individual or the Observer.  You are the one separating Big You – the Adult, nurturing parent from Little You, your inner child.
  2. The Adult, nurturing parent, aka Big You – who needs to take responsibility for his/her life and set healthy, nurturing boundaries for the inner child. Big provides guidance, protection, care and buckets of love to Little.
  3. The Inner Child – Little You.  Let’s refer to Little as ‘they’ for simplicity. This is the emotional child within who needs to know they are loved, cared for and protected.  If they sense that no one is taking care of them, they will cry out for attention, usually in destructive ways (picture a child having a temper tantrum or isolating themselves off in a corner, trying to be invisible). They need to know that Big is there for them and that Big loves them unconditionally and will set healthy boundaries to keep Little safe. 
 
 Here’s what this work looks like. When you, the Individual, become aware of strong emotions you start a dialogue between Big and Little. This dialogue can be written out or spoken out loud, preferably when alone for obvious reasons! 
 
I had this dialogue early on in my work w/Separation Therapy. While watching TV alone in my first little apartment, a ‘reach out and touch someone’ commercial came on and I started to cry. 
 
Big:  Little, what’s wrong?
Little:  I miss my mommy…
Big:  I know you miss your mommy, but she’s 2000 miles away. But I’m here and I love you.  I’ll always be here for you.
Little:  (calming down now)  Really? You’re here for me?
Big:  Yes.  I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you in the past, but I am here for you now.  I love you and I’ll take care of you.
Little:  Ok.  That feels better.  (Little felt safe and loved.  Little calmed down and stopped crying)
 
As adult children we have much sadness, much grief that needs to be addressed.  We need to talk about it, be heard and experience the love and acceptance of others who understand because they’ve been there.  The nods of understanding from others in these meetings are part of that healing.  And the most powerful healing is when we start to love and accept that needy, wounded child within.  As that child heals they become the ‘wonder child’, as John Bradshaw called it.  That child has enriched my life in wonderful ways.
 
John Bradshaw was a pioneer in reclaiming the inner child.  His books can be found at:   https://www.johnbradshaw.com/
 
You Tube also has some of his videos, so feel free to browse. 
 
To learn more about Bob E, visit:  https://aca-arizona.org/bob-earll/
 
Doing this work has been a journey through grief that has led me to a lighter place where the pay off includes an increase in joy, self-confidence and spontaneity as well as the ability to be vulnerable and to connect with others. 
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of re-parenting the inner child:
  • What strategies work well for you to heal from childhood pain and trauma?
  • If you have unresolved grief from childhood, how open are you to this technique for moving through grief?
  • What are you willing to do to re-parent your wounded inner child?
  • What is one step you can take today to reclaim and begin to re-parent your inner child? 
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, be kind to yourself and Shine Your Light!
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The Power of Perseverance

7/25/2018

2 Comments

 
I just completed the 100 Day Dash and racked up over one million steps! My employer sponsors this event each year. This experience got me thinking about the power of perseverance.  Today I’d like to share my story with you to illustrate the role perseverance plays in any successful endeavor, even with the task of moving through grief and loss.  
 
According to Merriam-Webster perseverance by definition is: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness
 
I’ve been an athlete all my life and as a health and wellness coach I value health and well-being.  When I turned 50 and experienced 'the change’ I found it difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Exercise and eating right have become even more essential. 
 
I’ve had a couple of challenges on my health journey the past few months.  This past March I got bit by a dog on my left calf and was unable to exercise for several weeks. When it was just about healed, I got a bad case of poison ivy and was put on steroids, so exercise was out of the question for another couple of weeks.
 
When I finally got the green light to exercise, the 100 Day Dash, which started in April, was well underway.  The end of May I started jogging in the early morning with my two dogs, Taiji and Ella. Initially, my dogs and the Dash were my primary motivation for getting up early and out the door by 6:30-7am.
 
Gradually my step count increased as my stamina improved.  At first I only reached 8-9K steps/day.  Eventually I stayed consistent with over 10K/day, and for 43 days in a row I was able to achieve over 12K steps! Now, to me, that’s pretty impressive.  But I coach a woman who is about 10 years older than I, and she has over 370 consecutive days of over 10K steps. Talk about an inspiration! She provided the ‘kick in the butt’ I needed to stay the course. If she could do it, I could, too. 
 
Don’t get me wrong. There were times I didn’t think I’d meet the goal my Garmin set for me. Each time I reached the goal (10K/day, then 11K/day and now the goal is set for over 12K/day) my Garmin upped the ante!
 
Success breeds confidence, and with each day of ‘goal met’ under my belt my confidence not only increased but my ability to strategize took on an informed nature.  ‘Get those steps in early in the day as often as possible’ became my mantra.  One day I reached 11K by 11am! I was amazed at what I had accomplished.  I held a picture of a ‘movie day’ in my mind, having a relaxing afternoon on that rainy Sunday.  The thought of not having those steps hanging over my head provided the motivation.  I finished that day with over 13K steps!
 
Ok. You can see that I’m blown away by the power of perseverance and how it helped me reach over one million steps in the past 100 days, most of which came in the past 42 days. 
 
‘Kathy. What does this have to do with moving through grief and loss?’, you may ask. 
 
Persistence may help you find the courage and inner strength to move through the painful feelings and experiences following loss. You will build resiliency as you move closer to acceptance of what is, fueled by knowing and trusting that peace of mind is on the other side of grief.  
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of perseverance:
  • When have you used your inner strength of perseverance to complete something worthwhile?
  • What thoughts, actions or support was needed in order to persevere?
  • How can perseverance assist you now, with whatever you are dealing with? 
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, be kind, persevere and Shine Your Light!
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Kindness

7/16/2018

1 Comment

 
I recently saw the movie ‘Wonder’ and fell in love with Auggie. The issues the movie addressed are so pertinent to our society today. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil it for you, but I do encourage you to make the time for this precious, moving story. It brought me to tears and led me to feelings of jubilation as the movie concluded. Today I want to reflect on how important kindness is in our everyday lives and the impact it has on our society.
 
Kindness by definition is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
 
Our current political climate is raising our awareness to just how important kindness is for our very survival.  We are social beings who need connection and kindness is the glue that holds everything together.    
 
What does kindness have to do with grief, you may ask?  Great question! When we do not act from kindness we cause hurt for another, as well as for ourselves.  When we are not treated with kindness, our soul, our very spirit, hurts. Our soul knows what nurtures it. Love and kindness given and received are the highest soul food. 
 
When we grieve, we are missing something good, something that has fed us, or perhaps we grieve for what we wish would have been, could have been, but was not experienced. Longing for our loved one, or aching for love and understanding from someone who is or was incapable to giving it to us are usually at the root of our sadness.  If we could somehow experience the kindness of a loving gesture - a kind word, a smile, a hug, an apology – our grief would dissipate and be replaced by love, joy and peace. 
 
After my Dad passed I experienced healing messages from my Dad via spiritual mediums.  He conveyed that he wished he had been more focused on love and not on doing ‘it’ right. He regretted that he allowed the church and other authority systems to dictate his beliefs rather than listening to his own heart.  I knew he loved me before he passed, but after death his love and acceptance of me, just as I am, furthered my own healing and self acceptance. 
 
Love and peace are at the very core of our being. The God of Love is the very spark of life within us.
 
Some may ask, ‘Where is God?  Get quiet and you will know. Like a baby in its mother's womb asking, ‘where is my Mom?’, God is right there within your heart.  Look for opportunities each and every day to show kindness, to act from the core of who you truly are, and you will continue to discover and experience your true identity as a child of God.   
 
As we each bring kindness to our world we take part in the transformation of this planet until we indeed will experience Heaven on Earth. 
 
“Reflect the peace of Heaven here, and bring this world to Heaven.”
– A Course In Miracles
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of kindness:


  • How do you feel when you act from kindness vs. when you don’t?
  • What powerful act of kindness have you experienced?
  • How do you feel when you witness kindness vs. when you witness hatred and cruelty? 
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, be kind and Shine Your Light!

​
1 Comment

Be Still and Know that You are God’s

7/9/2018

0 Comments

 
The heat wave that swept the country over the past week reminded me of the importance of being still, of taking time to rest. Today I will reflect on the power of being still and the benefits of doing so.  
 
We’ve been socialized to move quickly, to produce, to excel, to learn and achieve and be our best, and while this is well and good and has its place in life, our spirit cries for a deeper connection.  We are Spirit having a human experience, and as St. Augustine once said, ‘Our hearts are restless till we rest in Thee, oh Lord.’ 
 
How can we step back from the world and reconnect with our Source and our Spirit?
 
As a health and wellness coach I love teaching stress management tools that empower others with the ability to improve their overall well-being. 
 
Diaphragmatic breathing, aka belly breathing, is a simple way to slow down, step back from the world and connect with yourself.
 
How is your body feeling?
Where are your thoughts?
 
Let it go. Breathe in deeply. By taking in several deep breathes consecutively your body and mind begin to relax.  See your thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky. ‘Oh, there’s another one.’  Then refocus on your breath.  With practice, you may actually feel a sense of peaceful energy flow through you.  This can lead to a wonderful meditative state, letting go and being in the moment, with your breath.
 
It is in this state that we have the opportunity to feel the peaceful presence of something Greater  - call it Source, God or Holy Spirit.  Isn’t it interesting that the Holy Spirit came upon the Apostles when Jesus ‘breathed on them’. 
 
Breath – Spirit – Life – Oneness – Connection.  This state dissolves any sadness, worries, upset, stress that we may be experiencing. 
 
While processing our feelings of sadness and moving through grief is necessary and important work that must be done, the end we seek is greater peace and joy.  The journey through grief will lead us there. And it helps to know that we can go to a place of knowing that when we are still, we will know who we are and who God is. How? Through experience.
 
“There is an ancient peace you carry in your heart and have not lost.”
– A Course In Miracles
 
“Be still and know that I am God.”
– Jesus
 
“I will be still an instant and go home.”
– A Course In Miracles
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of being still:
  • What do you do to reconnect with your Spirit?  With God?
  • What happens to you when you step back and breathe deeply?
  • How does doing so effect your ability to work through grief or to let go of stress?
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, Shine Your Light!
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Getting Sober: A Journey Through Grief

7/1/2018

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I have been reflecting on how I have come to value the journey through grief.  As a child and teen, loss, whether losing a loved one in death or losing a friend, or even losing a close basketball game, for that matter, was a painful experience filled with difficult feelings I didn’t know how to process.  I was not taught about feelings and learned early on to stuff them, choosing various methods to numb out.  Today I’d like to share the grief experience that woke me up to the gift in grief.
 
Growing up, processing feelings was not modeled, talked about nor encouraged. I learned that the ‘negative feelings’ should be hidden, as evidenced by being told to go to our room, to stop crying, or even being punished for a negative mood or outburst.  Chocolate was my first drug of choice.
 
I found alcohol at the tender age of 14 when I got drunk on two cans of beer on Halloween night.  Fast forward to age 20:  I’m a postulant in the convent adjusting to convent life.  I’m only there about 3 months when my family informs me that my Grandpa has cancer and has about 6 months to live.  I was able to see him and say goodbye, but while I was there I got drunk a few times to numb out the pain. It was incredibly painful to see him in a coma, knowing he was slipping away. He passed away two weeks after I had already returned to the convent.
 
It took 6 months for all those feelings to surface again, and when they did I cried uncontrollably.  I could not stop. I had so much sadness.  With the help of the sisters at the convent, I began to realize how I had used alcohol to numb my pain. Alcohol was my coping mechanism. It worked, until it didn’t anymore. It was time to find new coping skills.
 
Through 12-Step recovery and therapy, I found tools to help me process my emotions.  It felt impossible to feel and express what I was feeling. At times I was afraid I’d fail at this ‘recovery – healthy’ stuff.  Being an overachiever, this was a frightening possibility.  My counselor was patient and kind, and reassured me that just a little willingness to be open and to trust the process was all that was required. I took one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Crying is messy. Life is messy. Even babies are born messy, and yet they are beautiful. I learned that such is life, and if I wanted to live it I needed to accept that life is messy.
 
I am eternally grateful to my Grandpa.  He gave me a precious gift of being able to see what happens when you don’t take responsibility for your recovery. I was given the opportunity to break the cycle of addiction, and it was my responsibility to take it. I learned that my emotions are neither good nor bad; that they are gifts; that they are messengers giving me information.  What I choose to do with that information is up to me.   
 
Thawing out - being able to feel my emotions, all of them, and not have to medicate them with alcohol or chocolate or loud music or buying things or….you name it - has been quite a journey.  Now I know I have emotions, and that I am not my emotions.  I am steady – I am Love – I am Loved by the Creator of Love, Who is Love – and when I am in a place of Peace and Joy I am One with my Creator. 
 
As the Course (A Course in Miracles) says on page 494, Ch. 23: Pg. 22, vs. 6:
 
‘How can you know whether you chose the stairs to Heaven or the way to hell? Quite easily. How do you feel? Is peace in your awareness? Are you certain which way you go? And are you sure the goal of Heaven can be reached? If not, you walk alone. Ask, then, your Friend to join with you, and give you certainty of where you go.’
 
And who is Your Friend?  Your Source, Your Higher Power. You may call it God, Allah, Holy Spirit, Jesus, or ‘J’, as I call Him, or you may call it something else. No matter. We may choose to walk alone, but our Friend is always with us, ready to assist at our request.
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of working through grief:
  • Where are you in your awareness of the power available to you by working through grief?
  • What tools have supported you on your grief journey?
  • What gifts have you received by working through grief?
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, Shine Your Light!

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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
    ​
    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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