Kathy Stolecki
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Getting Sober: A Journey Through Grief

7/1/2018

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I have been reflecting on how I have come to value the journey through grief.  As a child and teen, loss, whether losing a loved one in death or losing a friend, or even losing a close basketball game, for that matter, was a painful experience filled with difficult feelings I didn’t know how to process.  I was not taught about feelings and learned early on to stuff them, choosing various methods to numb out.  Today I’d like to share the grief experience that woke me up to the gift in grief.
 
Growing up, processing feelings was not modeled, talked about nor encouraged. I learned that the ‘negative feelings’ should be hidden, as evidenced by being told to go to our room, to stop crying, or even being punished for a negative mood or outburst.  Chocolate was my first drug of choice.
 
I found alcohol at the tender age of 14 when I got drunk on two cans of beer on Halloween night.  Fast forward to age 20:  I’m a postulant in the convent adjusting to convent life.  I’m only there about 3 months when my family informs me that my Grandpa has cancer and has about 6 months to live.  I was able to see him and say goodbye, but while I was there I got drunk a few times to numb out the pain. It was incredibly painful to see him in a coma, knowing he was slipping away. He passed away two weeks after I had already returned to the convent.
 
It took 6 months for all those feelings to surface again, and when they did I cried uncontrollably.  I could not stop. I had so much sadness.  With the help of the sisters at the convent, I began to realize how I had used alcohol to numb my pain. Alcohol was my coping mechanism. It worked, until it didn’t anymore. It was time to find new coping skills.
 
Through 12-Step recovery and therapy, I found tools to help me process my emotions.  It felt impossible to feel and express what I was feeling. At times I was afraid I’d fail at this ‘recovery – healthy’ stuff.  Being an overachiever, this was a frightening possibility.  My counselor was patient and kind, and reassured me that just a little willingness to be open and to trust the process was all that was required. I took one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Crying is messy. Life is messy. Even babies are born messy, and yet they are beautiful. I learned that such is life, and if I wanted to live it I needed to accept that life is messy.
 
I am eternally grateful to my Grandpa.  He gave me a precious gift of being able to see what happens when you don’t take responsibility for your recovery. I was given the opportunity to break the cycle of addiction, and it was my responsibility to take it. I learned that my emotions are neither good nor bad; that they are gifts; that they are messengers giving me information.  What I choose to do with that information is up to me.   
 
Thawing out - being able to feel my emotions, all of them, and not have to medicate them with alcohol or chocolate or loud music or buying things or….you name it - has been quite a journey.  Now I know I have emotions, and that I am not my emotions.  I am steady – I am Love – I am Loved by the Creator of Love, Who is Love – and when I am in a place of Peace and Joy I am One with my Creator. 
 
As the Course (A Course in Miracles) says on page 494, Ch. 23: Pg. 22, vs. 6:
 
‘How can you know whether you chose the stairs to Heaven or the way to hell? Quite easily. How do you feel? Is peace in your awareness? Are you certain which way you go? And are you sure the goal of Heaven can be reached? If not, you walk alone. Ask, then, your Friend to join with you, and give you certainty of where you go.’
 
And who is Your Friend?  Your Source, Your Higher Power. You may call it God, Allah, Holy Spirit, Jesus, or ‘J’, as I call Him, or you may call it something else. No matter. We may choose to walk alone, but our Friend is always with us, ready to assist at our request.
 
I am looking forward to your Share on this topic of working through grief:
  • Where are you in your awareness of the power available to you by working through grief?
  • What tools have supported you on your grief journey?
  • What gifts have you received by working through grief?
 
To Comment, just click the blue Comment on the page or see the field below. If you prefer to share just your first name, that works!
 
Until next time, Shine Your Light!

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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
    ​
    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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