Kathy Stolecki
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Dementia - Our Call to Awaken?

5/24/2018

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I just returned from a 10 day trip to visit my Mom, who is in Memory Care in SW Florida. It was quite an emotional visit.

When she first saw me, her face lit up in recognition, though I’m unclear whether she knew my name or who I was exactly.

If you have a loved one with dementia, you understand this experience. How glorious it is to make a connection with the one you love so very much. How difficult it is to witness their confusion as they try to place you. How painful to see their decline.

As my visit unfolded I reconnected with others in the facility. The general decline in health, from walkers to wheel chairs, was remarkably evident, as I looked around the dining room. Caregivers sat next to many residents to assist them in getting their daily nourishment. I did my part to coax Mom into eating, and was pleasantly surprised to see that her appetite, that had waned, was returning!

As I would look away to assist another resident, I saw how Mom was able to feed herself, at times with fingers, at times with fork or spoon. It struck me that the overall feeding style at this stage of dementia is that of a child: playing with their food, putting a piece of chicken into their glass of iced tea, attempting to put food on the fork, only to push the food off the plate.

As I saw a husband walk into the dining room to see his wife, the spark of love between the two was palpable.  They walked out of the room for a visit. As they passed by, I smiled hello, choking back tears at my conflicted emotions of love and sadness.

"What thought could I choose to think to make this experience less painful?" I asked myself.  I struggled. "Their Spirit is fine, untouched by the decay of the body", I reminded myself. "Mom is as sweet and innocent as a child, loving and loved. All is well."  I knew this mentally, but my heart was torn. 

While waiting at the airport for my return flight, I open ‘The Way of the Servant – Living the Light of Christ’ – as given through Jayem.  The message is from Jesus, also known as Jeshua ben Joseph, and is a clarification and continuation of A Course of Miracles (also, see The Way of Mastery).  From page 110: ‘the truths of the world are diametrically opposed to the Reality of the Kingdom.’
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In the world, we value the intellect, the body and our independence. Dementia robs us of these things. “There is a lesson here”, I thought, “if I can just get past my sadness…” 

When I said goodbye to Mom and her companions, I was struck by the Light of Love in their eyes. Their Christ Heart called to mine, and in that moment we experienced communion - our Oneness.

Could it be that our loved ones with dementia are calling us to awaken?

Truly, spending time with loved ones who are in the state of dementia and subsequent decline calls forth an open heart of love and service.  We may need to work through our grief first, though, in order to get there. A shift in perspective takes courage and determination on our part.  The choice is ours to make.  

I want to send out a huge 'Thank You!' to all the caregivers at Mom's facility and to all caregivers, whether giving care at home or at a facility. You are so appreciated! Your work is truly a labor of love. Please be sure to care for your own needs, so that you can continue to give so unselfishly to those who need you so much.

Until next time, I encourage you to ponder these things, and appreciate your willingness to take this journey with me.  And I look forward to hearing from you. What are your thoughts and experiences with dementia? What do you do to address your own feelings of grief and loss? 
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The Gift in Grief

5/16/2018

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Welcome, dear Reader. And so we begin our journey together.   I come to you reflecting on my journey with grief, with Mom and with dementia, in the context of A Course in Miracles.   

I loved Julie’s blog in ‘Julie and Julia’ – the movie.  In the beginning she only had one reader, one fan: her Mom. Well, my Mom will never read my blog.   
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You see, my Mom has dementia. Over the past nine years she has slowly lost her memory.  I had the blessing of living with her in her home in Florida for a year and a half, before her dementia got so difficult and exhausting to manage that we (my seven siblings and I) made the difficult decision to place her in Memory Care.  

When I considered moving to Florida to be with Mom, I didn’t realize what living with dementia day to day would be like, although I read ‘The 36 Hour Day’ to prepare myself.  I recalled our fun times, hanging out together during my summer visits to NY and thought what fun it would be to reconnect with her, only to realize that she was different. She was slower, mentally and physically. She would space out. She was not the ‘with it’ Mom I had known and loved for so long. But she was still my Mom.  And I loved her. I still do, and always will. 

It is because of my Mom that I have great love for the Blessed Mother. I remember coming home from school many times to find my Mom waking from a nap on the couch, rosary in hand. Dad called her ‘St. June of the Laundry Room’ and the laundry room was her chapel, her solace, her sanctuary, as she surrounded herself with novena cards, cards of the Blessed Mother, St. Anthony  and various other saints. She had a daily ritual of prayer while she dutifully did laundry for her husband and eight children.  

So what will this blog be about, you ask?  It will be my reflections on dementia, grief and loss and what I’ve learned by embracing and working through various losses. 

I am also a student of A Course in Miracles and The Way of Mastery. In these teachings, J (my nickname for Jesus, aka, Jeshua ben Joseph) shares about the nature of our being, about the nature of this time-space reality that is not Reality at all.  I’ll be sharing my reflections on my journey with Mom and dementia and how that journey helped me better understand the Course due to the contrast it provided:  illusion vs. Truth and how these teachings have helped me cope with my Mom’s dementia.  And I’ll be sharing about the gift in grief.

What did you say?  Did you say, ‘The gift in grief?’  Why, yes indeed, I did. Perhaps you don’t question that statement, which tells me you know what I’m talking about. But if you did question that, rest assured you will have an opportunity to look again at your own grief journey and see what beauty can come of it, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, or J rising from the dead.

Along with sharing about various losses and offering support along the way, I promise to write one time each week.  I look forward to your comments about your journey with grief and loss; what support you are seeking and what you find effective as you walk through life's ever changing landscape.
 
Till next time, I send you huge Hugs, much Love and a ton of Peace, that this day you may share it with others and by doing so, have an even larger dose returned to you, heaped up and running over.  Till then, Shine Your Light!
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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
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    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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