Kathy Stolecki
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Dementia - Our Call to Awaken?

5/24/2018

2 Comments

 
I just returned from a 10 day trip to visit my Mom, who is in Memory Care in SW Florida. It was quite an emotional visit.

When she first saw me, her face lit up in recognition, though I’m unclear whether she knew my name or who I was exactly.

If you have a loved one with dementia, you understand this experience. How glorious it is to make a connection with the one you love so very much. How difficult it is to witness their confusion as they try to place you. How painful to see their decline.

As my visit unfolded I reconnected with others in the facility. The general decline in health, from walkers to wheel chairs, was remarkably evident, as I looked around the dining room. Caregivers sat next to many residents to assist them in getting their daily nourishment. I did my part to coax Mom into eating, and was pleasantly surprised to see that her appetite, that had waned, was returning!

As I would look away to assist another resident, I saw how Mom was able to feed herself, at times with fingers, at times with fork or spoon. It struck me that the overall feeding style at this stage of dementia is that of a child: playing with their food, putting a piece of chicken into their glass of iced tea, attempting to put food on the fork, only to push the food off the plate.

As I saw a husband walk into the dining room to see his wife, the spark of love between the two was palpable.  They walked out of the room for a visit. As they passed by, I smiled hello, choking back tears at my conflicted emotions of love and sadness.

"What thought could I choose to think to make this experience less painful?" I asked myself.  I struggled. "Their Spirit is fine, untouched by the decay of the body", I reminded myself. "Mom is as sweet and innocent as a child, loving and loved. All is well."  I knew this mentally, but my heart was torn. 

While waiting at the airport for my return flight, I open ‘The Way of the Servant – Living the Light of Christ’ – as given through Jayem.  The message is from Jesus, also known as Jeshua ben Joseph, and is a clarification and continuation of A Course of Miracles (also, see The Way of Mastery).  From page 110: ‘the truths of the world are diametrically opposed to the Reality of the Kingdom.’
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In the world, we value the intellect, the body and our independence. Dementia robs us of these things. “There is a lesson here”, I thought, “if I can just get past my sadness…” 

When I said goodbye to Mom and her companions, I was struck by the Light of Love in their eyes. Their Christ Heart called to mine, and in that moment we experienced communion - our Oneness.

Could it be that our loved ones with dementia are calling us to awaken?

Truly, spending time with loved ones who are in the state of dementia and subsequent decline calls forth an open heart of love and service.  We may need to work through our grief first, though, in order to get there. A shift in perspective takes courage and determination on our part.  The choice is ours to make.  

I want to send out a huge 'Thank You!' to all the caregivers at Mom's facility and to all caregivers, whether giving care at home or at a facility. You are so appreciated! Your work is truly a labor of love. Please be sure to care for your own needs, so that you can continue to give so unselfishly to those who need you so much.

Until next time, I encourage you to ponder these things, and appreciate your willingness to take this journey with me.  And I look forward to hearing from you. What are your thoughts and experiences with dementia? What do you do to address your own feelings of grief and loss? 
2 Comments
Judith Wheeler
5/26/2018 01:16:41 pm

I went though similar experience with my sweet mother. Unfortunately she progressed to Alzheimer's which robbed her of most of her sweetness and the Southern Lady started sounding like a sailor. I live on Ocracoke Island, NC she was in Cincinnati. I relocated to help be a navigator for her journey. Fourteen months later she got pneumonia from aspirating food and we called in hospice. She died peacefully while I heard her hand singing her favorite hymns.
It was the hardest but the best. I wouldn't take anything for that time.
I entered her locked unit praying for a good visit; often left in tears (not that she saw).
I read everything I could fine on dementia and Alzheimer's and found a couple very helpful websites.
I learned you enter their world. She talked about my Dad visiting every night, although we lost him 30 yrs ago. She seemed very angry at world and I realized she was confused and afraid because she knew her mind wasn't right, in her words.
Thanks to all who help their loved ones and friends; and to the special folks that work with these special places.
Mom has been gone 17 months. I miss her everyday.

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Barbara Christianson
5/31/2018 08:31:28 am

Well said, Kathy! I made similar journeys visiting my father who had Alzheimer's. For adult children of demented parents, the concern is often two-fold: coping with the loss of the beloved parent and wondering, will this happen to me, too? What's helped me with the second part is recalling an interview with a nun I read a few years ago. She had the Alzheimer's diagnosis and knew she was declining. She said words to the effect, "Although I may forget who Jesus is, I know Jesus will not forget me...and that gives me comfort." May we always find comfort in knowing we are safe in God's arms.

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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
    ​
    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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