Kathy Stolecki
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What is Reality, Really?

6/3/2018

2 Comments

 
Having just been in Florida visiting Mom, I recall our fun times at the beach, enjoying the warm, gentle waves of the Gulf on a Saturday morning.  With the sun shining and birds flying above, I’d gather our noodles and take her hands as we carefully made our way into the water. 

It amazed me how dementia can even effect one’s memory about the buoyant nature of salt water.  I’d remind Mom that if she got in the water up to her waist, put the noodle between her legs (like riding a bike, I’d remind her) and lift her feet, she’d float.  She trusted that it was so, allowed me to help her with her noodle and ‘viola!’, we were floating.  We laughed and sang as we enjoyed floating in the water together.

After having such a wonderful time together at the beach, we packed up and headed for the car. Out of the blue, Mom’s mood changed completely. ‘They’re waiting for us at home. We’ve got to be very careful,’ she said, her paranoia quite evident.  ‘Who’s waiting for us, Mom?’  ‘Oh, you know who. They’re not nice and we need to be careful.’  Hearing this I felt my happy mood being pulled out from under me.  Now I began to feel her worry and concern.   Mom sounded so  convincing that I began to question my sense of reality.  Who would be at our house? Could they really break in?  Jessi, our dog, was home. She would surely protect the house from intruders.    

Jessi. Yes, she would never allow anyone to break in.  This helped me come back to reality.  I brought this to Mom’s attention to try to reassure her, my own mind returning to sanity.  Of course, this was part of the dementia, and though I had witnessed various symptoms of Mom’s disease, I still found my own denial cropping up. ‘I forget that she forgets’, I often heard myself say.   

Of course, once we got home there was no intruder. All was well.  And Mom, of course, forgot about the whole thing! But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was emotionally drained from that experience.  But it got me thinking about reality:  What IS reality, anyway? In that moment, her delusion was real to her. She almost had me convinced!
 
Then I remembered the premise of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). From the Introduction:

‘Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.’

From page 14 of ACIM, chapter 1 – 5th paragraph:

‘All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level (all creation comes from God, who is Love – and when we create from Love, we create like God ~ my comment), and therefore do not exist at all. To whatever extent you are willing to submit your beliefs to this test, to that extent are your perceptions corrected. In sorting out the false from the true, the miracle proceeds along these lines:

Perfect love casts out fear.
If fear exists,
Then there is not perfect love.

But:

Only perfect love exists.
If there is fear,
It produces a state that does not exist.

Believe this and you will be free. Only God can establish this solution, and this faith is His gift.
 
And from the Workbook of ACIM:   Lesson 200
 
There is no peace except the peace of God.
 
‘Seek you no further…save yourself the agony of yet more bitter disappointments, bleak despair and sense of icy hopelessness and doubt…There is nothing else for you to find except the peace of God, unless you seek for misery and pain.’

And further down in paragraph 4:  ‘Come home. You have not found your happiness in foreign places and in alien forms…’

Home is our Oneness with God.  Home is our Divine Connection with each other, for we are all children of God.  This world, like a passing dream, is brought to Reality when we express Love, which is our true nature.

So, yes, when we experience loss and disappointment, it is important to acknowledge those feelings, just as a loving parent would acknowledge a child’s nightmare and then sooth them with the Reality that they are safe and all is well.  Our loving God sent the Holy Spirit to Comfort us, to gently wake us to the Reality of our True Being:  Love.

My favorite saying:  ‘God is Love. I am Loved and All is Well.’

May you find comfort in this knowledge, as you navigate the many challenges life may present to you. 

I’d love to hear from you, so please leave a comment and share your thoughts, your experiences, or whatever you’d like to share!

Until next time, my wish for you is to bask in the Love and Peace of God, Source, All that Is…or whatever you choose to call that Loving Power.  
2 Comments
Paula V.
6/18/2018 06:17:27 am

Thank you, Kathy, for sharing your heart. I enjoyed reading about your fun ocean experience with your mother. Your experience arriving home gave me new insight. You wrote, though mom forgot about the intruder, you did not and "I was emotionally drained from the experience." You experienced feelings of joy on the beach that shifted to concerns and worry about a possible intruder created in your mother's mind. It's like something that was not real drained you emotionally and you needed time to process your feelings. I have a difficult time wanting to connected with myself when feeling emotionally drained. I just keep moving on and I am afraid to sit with the feelings. You acknowledged how you felt and maybe this is a good start for me to acknowledge and be true to myself how I feel after I visit with mom. I will never forget the disappointment I experienced the last time I was in my parents home two weeks before they moved into an assisted living facility. I knew it would be the last time to visit with my parents in their home. Mom's mood changed quickly and before I knew it, she went to bed not even saying good-bye to me. Her moods are unpredictable and though I don't take it personal, it hurts to know I will always remember my last visit home had no good-bye. I am grieving my home town, the property I grew up on and not knowing when mom knows who I am. So, mom was not in reality. I was not her daughter and so there was no wave out the kitchen window. Mom may stop over for an hour to help me with my flower garden tomorrow. She won't remember the flowers that came from her homestead, the flowers from her sister's garden and the flowers from her yard. She won't remember what the flowers are called or which plant is a weed. We will be enjoying gardening; laughing about who knows what. But how can I not feel emotionally drained after she leaves? I can find joy and be positive about my time with her but what is under the surface is a tidal wave of grieving feelings that need to be processed. I do need to acknowledge all my feelings and maybe start to journal with each visit so I can acknowledge the joy and fun I had with mom and also acknowledge the feelings that weigh me down. God gave me tears to heal and so I hope He will be my comforter through all of this.

Reply
Kathy Stolecki
6/18/2018 09:22:07 am

Thanks for sharing, Paula. What a difficult experience to go through, and on your final 'good-bye' to your childhood home. Dementia creates a roller coaster ride of emotions that need to be processed. Once you are on the other side of this experience I invite you to focus on the good memories of times with your Mom in your childhood home. Cherish those memories, knowing your Mom always knows & loves you in her Spirit Self. Peace & Hugs!!

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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
    ​
    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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