Kathy Stolecki
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Ready to do Some Weeding?

6/17/2018

4 Comments

 
I spent most of yesterday weeding my garden, thinking about my Dad and Father’s Day. Dad’s been on the Spirit side of life for over 15 years now. He passed away on Valentine’s Day 2003. My relationship with my Dad had its ups and downs, but it was mostly good. Many people have had very difficult relationships with their Dads.

Father’s day can be a source of angst: sad, hurt and angry feelings may surface and one may try to avoid this day at all costs. Weeding – pulling out the unwanted stuff and leaving the good stuff - got me thinking: when it comes to our relationships with our Dads, how can we hold on to the good stuff and weed out the bad stuff? What are some strategies? What does it take to do it successfully?

First, we must acknowledge our feelings. Feelings are messengers that need to be listened to. What are they trying to tell you? The feelings need to be felt in order to be released. Sometimes the best way to do this is to sit quietly and feel. Other tools that can facilitate this are:
  • Journaling
  • talking about it with someone you trust
  • crying, screaming, getting it out physically via exercise, sports, using a punching bag, etc.

Acknowledging the feelings and expressing them in a safe way helps to release them. If you come from a dysfunctional family, counseling, coaching, speaking with clergy you trust and/or going to an ACA meeting (Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families) can be powerful support.

http://www.adultchildren.org/

​Next, we will need to be willing to sift through our experiences with our Dad to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. We may be well aware of the bad. What was the good? Many times we focus on the bad but neglect to look at the positives we can take from that relationship.

My Dad could be very controlling and judgemental, yet he could also be humble, hospitable and loving. He taught us the importance of family, being of service and having fun. Because of his example and the way he trained us, I’ve learned the benefits of being a hard worker and doing my best.

It took years of therapy and recovery in ACA for me to come to terms – to be at peace – with my relationship with my Dad. I’m grateful it happened before he passed. And I was able to express my appreciation to him, which was such a gift.

Coaching helps us look at a situation from different perspectives:
  • How do I see the situation now?
  • What would be a more empowering perspective?

Could it be that my Dad had scars from growing up in an alcoholic family that he never healed from? Could it be his controlling nature came from his own fears of not measuring up, fears of not being good enough and from his deep desire to please God and others?

Seeing my Dad as a child, who was raised by two loving but dysfunctional, alcoholic parents, helped me come to a place of compassion for what he went through. But in order to arrive at compassion I had to walk the way of acknowledging, expressing and releasing my anger.

So let's recap the process of moving from a place of angst regarding our relationships with our Dads, or any relationship or situation for that matter, to a place of peace:
  • Have a strong desire and commitment to do the required work - WIT = Whatever It Takes
  • Acknowledge your feelings
  • Express your feelings in a safe, appropriate manner
  • Release your feelings through that expression and be willing to let it go
  • Be willing to see it from another perspective – a different point of view

That being said, there are some relationships that are just too toxic to continue. Only you will know if you need to walk away. Doing the work can help you know what to do, and empower you to move on in peace.

​Where are you with your relationship with your Dad? What do you need to release? What do you appreciate about the relationship and/or what it taught you?

If you are willing to share, please leave a comment. If you don’t want to share your last name, that’s perfectly A-Ok.

Until next time, I wish you courage and willingness to do the work.

Peace and many blessing on your journey.
4 Comments
Kellsey O'Hagan
6/17/2018 12:21:48 pm

You always share such heart-centered wisdom with the world. From how you express it, I can tell that your insight comes from how that widom traveled round, before landing in the middle of your heart. What a blessing you are.

Reply
Paula V.
6/18/2018 06:44:38 am

With my parents having moved from a large house (one hour from me) to a two room apartment (now 7 minutes from me), There are many changes that come with feelings I have not sifted through yet. I have lost some freedom with mom like chatting with her for a half hour on the phone, visiting for hours and evening emailing. You may wonder why can't I still do these things with her? Because dad is over controlling to the point that you may wonder if he is even human if I shared more detail! He has my mother in a small box which puts me in a smaller box. It is time to get to work as my parents move has forced me to acknowledge I need to work through deeper layers of healing. I am reminded through this blog what I wrote earlier. I need to journal before and after a visit to help sift through feelings and drawing will be an added tool. Thank you, Kathy, for addressing this topic.

Reply
Kathy Stolecki
6/18/2018 08:33:23 am

Thank you, Kellsey, for your kind words. Since it takes one to know one, I want to acknowledge you for the person you are and for sharing your gifts with the world. Peace, hugs & many blessings!!

Reply
Kathy Stolecki
6/18/2018 09:11:26 am

Thanks, Paula, for sharing. It sounds like a difficult situation has become even more difficult as your Dad continues to interfere with your precious time with your Mom. Great awareness, knowing what tools will best support you. You have the strength & courage to face your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. Peace & Hugs!!

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    About Kathy

    As a National Certified Health and Wellness Coach, I specialize in the following issues:
    • dealing with grief and loss
    • issues related to growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, ie self-esteem, grief, stress management, inner child.
    • quitting smoking or vape
    I have been on a spiritual quest throughout my life, seeking answers to some of life’s deep questions: 
    • Why are we here? 
    • What happens after we die?
    • If God is Love, why does God allow us to suffer pain and loss?
    • How can we find peace and joy amidst the challenges and changes in life? 
    I have long been drawn to these deep ponderings, as well as to a life of service. I entered the convent at 20 years old, was blessed to get sober while in the convent, felt led to leave two years later, and then continued my spiritual journey.

    You can read my spiritual memoir ‘Waking Up Sober in a Convent – and Other Spiritual Adventures’ – click on the Book tab at top of page or go to www.KathyStolecki.com 
    ​
    Along the way I’ve found spiritual tools to aid my recovery from addictions and codependency, have learned the power of being true to myself, have discovered the gift of freedom by dealing with grief and loss and have found spiritual nuggets of GOLD which I’m so excited to share with you! I will be sharing these nuggets with you in my blog.

    I am also available to support you on your journey as your Coach. See my Coaching page for more information. 

    I am eager to hear from you: 
    • what challenges do you face? 
    • what helps you get through tough times? 
    Comment Feature is now working. Just click on 'Comments' and leave your comment. I look forward to hearing from you!!

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